Jennifer Lopez, one of those women we have decided somehow stopped again in her late twenties/early thirties along with Elizabeth Hurley, Christie Brinkley and the like, turns 48-years-old on Monday, July 24th. However, since that is, you know, a Monday, she already went ahead and held a party over the weekend and, according to her Instagram, she’s calling this her “birthday week.”

I guess when you reach the point where you are worth a gazillion dollars you get to have your birthday last for seven days instead of just one like us lowly peasants.

Naturally, one of the people in attendance at Lopez’s birthday bash was her (ugh) boyfriend (or her fiance, depending on who you believe) Alex Rodriguez. I tell you this because pretty much all of the photos of J-Lo at birthday party include him and I wanted to forewarn you. Sorry.

I wonder if he had to use his FS1 broadcast notes later on in the evening to help him remember what to do when he and Lopez were finally alone together. Actually, no I don’t. I take that back. *shudder*

Quick, let’s move on to the pictures, okay?!

She looks absolutely thrilled in that photo with that “what am I doing” look there, doesn’t she?

Vom…

Yolanda Hadid, Instagram

Some families just have it better than the rest–ie The Williams sisters, the Manning brothers, and dare I say LaVar Ball and his offspring? But you’ll be hard-pressed to find a family more physically attractive than the Hadid crew.

It starts with Yolanda, a former high fashion model and current Real Housewives star, and trickles down to Bella and Gigi, two of the most successful supermodels on the planet. Hell, even their brother is a male model. But lets focus on Yolanda, the root of the beauty. Yolanda is currently 53-years-old and has done a stellar job raising three children, all while maintaining a figure akin to Elizabeth Hurley.

Throwback to 1982

1996

I’m so glad my mother isn’t this hot. That would make things extremely uncomfortable.

Esquire México y Latinoamérica, Instagram

Some would argue that CTE is a small price to pay for a Super Bowl ring and a Miss Universe girlfriend. If you happen to be on the fence, consider the life of Danny Amendola–a two-time Super Bowl champion whose amassed tens of millions of dollars in his career and is currently in a loving relationship with 2012 Miss Universe winner, Oliva Culpo.

The 25-year-old Cranston, Rhode Island native is making headlines for a couple sizzling Instagram posts featuring her playing tennis in some skimpy garb. Enjoy.

Bonus pix.

Brady: Gisele.
Edelman: formerly Adriana Lima.
Amendola: Culpo.

God, the Patriots have it all.

Wait, what? Ashley Tisdale is 32-years-old? That can’t be right. Seems like it was just yesterday that she was on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody and doing those godawful High School Musical movies. Maybe I just feel like it was just yesterday because I haven’t really seen her in anything since then. Oh wait, I do remember her being on that one show Hellcats about the cheerleaders with Aly Michalka (another blast from the past). Hmmm, still, that was clear back in 2011. What is she doing these days for a job?

The last time we saw Tisdale she was twerking up a storm in a bikini with her HSM buddy Vanessa Hudgens, but that was the first time we had mentioned her in over a year back when she had a red carpet wardrobe malfunction. Not sure why she’d even be on a red carpet at this point though.

I know I was puzzled with the same questions the last time I wrote about her, but I still don’t have any answers. I guess High School Musical and being a voice on the cartoon Phineas and Ferb is enough to make you comfortable for life.

Oh, according to her Instagram, she has her own YouTube channel where she just did a song with Lea Michele.

I see that she has 1.4 million followers so I guess that’s where she’s making bank now. Good to know. Here she is in a bikini.

Previously in Ashley Tisdale bikini pics…

The last time we checked on one of our favorite former porn stars Mia Khalifa she was slugging some dude in the face at a Future concert. Prior to that she was getting trolled hard by Celtics fans after they knocked the Wizards out of the playoffs. So needless to say, it’s been an eventful couple of months for her of late.

That being said, she’s still rolling along and now she’s decided to take a crap at YouTube and her first video is her review of the highly-anticipated Chris Nolan film Dunkirk.

To say that Khalifa wasn’t a fan of the film would probably be an understatement…

So tell us how you really felt about the movie, Mia? I mean, it currently sits at a very impressive 93% on Rotten Tomatoes so it can’t be that bad, right?

Apparently Mia had a little trouble understanding the time frame of the movie, commenting, “I didn’t know if this whole thing lasted 23 hours or if the rescue mission took like two and a half months. You never knew what time of day it was, what the fucking temperature was… I’m like, ‘What the fuck is going on?'”

She also had some trouble sorting out the geography, “It was raining in half the scenes and like sunny as shit in the rest. I was so confused about that. Like, were they on different parts of the country?”

World War II history is apparently not Mia’s strong suit.

As for the art direction, she felt that “it looked like the entire film was in the filter Nashville,” but had high praise for Harry Styles, “He wasn’t bad… That was pretty impressive; he had the most dialogue.”

All in all, despite her many criticisms, she gave it a 7 out of 10. Check out her full review below, along with a few obligatory photos from her Instagram account showing what else she’s been up to lately.

Until next time, Mia, the balcony is closed.

So are you going to go see Charlize Theron’s hot new action movie Atomic Blonde this weekend? You probably should. Not only does it look completely badass Theron might just come to your house and beat the ever-loving crap out of you if you don’t go see it.

I’m not joking. Check out this video out of her training to fight in the movie. It’s like Furiosa turned into a secret agent assassin.

Scary.

Here’s Wikipedia’s description of the flick…

In 1989, on the eve of the collapse of the Berlin Wall and the shifting of superpower alliances, Lorraine Broughton, a top-level spy for MI6, is dispatched to Berlin to take down a ruthless espionage ring that has just killed an undercover agent for reasons unknown. She is ordered to cooperate with Berlin station chief David Percival, and the two form an uneasy alliance, unleashing their full arsenal of skills in pursuing a threat that jeopardizes the West’s entire intelligence operation.

Got all that? Cool, huh? Anyway, the last time we checked in on Theron she was at the world premiere of Atomic Blonde in Berlin and she was rocking a bra for a top and looking quite fierce.

Now, Theron is back in the States and just attended the premiere of her movie in Los Angeles and, yep, still wearing a bra for a top, this time in black. If you’ve got a problem with that, please see the Instagram video above.

Getty Image

Getty Image

Getty Image

Getty Image

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Tenille Dashwood, better known to most pro wrestling fans as the egotistical villain Emma, who most definitely still is plays a diva, no matter what anyone says, just did a new bikini shoot. And just like fellow wrestling star Lana (C.J. Perry) her photo shoot was also shot for and by the WWE.

Which means that, much like I surmised with Lana, perhaps there are some bigger things in the offing for the fan favorite from Australia. Lord knows, she’s certainly earned a bigger role after a decade of wrestling experience.

Then again maybe the reason for this new shoot is just, as we have seen many times before on her fantastic Instagram account, 28-year-old Emma loooves wearing bikinis. In fact, other than perhaps Lana, no other Superstar on the roster likes wearing bikinis more than her. (Remember National Bikini Day?)

Whatever the reason, we are just glad that after all the years and hard work she has put in trying to reach the top Tenille, I mean Emma, is finally getting the exposure that she most certainly deserves.

Speaking of Emma’s Instagram account being fantastic… yeah, you might want to throw her a follow.

Nina Agdal, the 25-year-old Danish supermodel, was thought to be the one to tame the historically polyamorous Leonardo DiCaprio before the 42-year-old Oscar winner broke it off in May. Leo was reportedly “not ready to take the next step.” Shocker.

But the good news is that Nina is now single and likely looking for a rebound. And that’s where we come in. Just kidding, she probably wouldn’t piss on us if we were on fire. But we can (wet) dream.

In any event, the newly single Agdal has been putting on quite the show on Instagram after her split from the leader of the “Pussy Posse.” She recently waited for a pizza delivery with a total of zero clothes on. This is the first and last time I’d ever die to be a Domino’s delivery man.

I mean…Good lord…

Via Britney Spears Instagram

Britney Spears is 35-years-old, but she is in the best shape of her life thanks to her dedication to her fitness regimen. The stunning pop star shared a video of her working out on Instagram that is so hot that it will make you break a sweat. Miss Spears flaunted her sexy abs, toned physique, and flexibility in the spectacular video.

Britney has been posting quite a few workout videos lately and for that we thank her.

And the results have been outstanding, to say the least.

Mr. Skin

If the average person, say you or I, were to sit down and try to rank the 50 greatest bikini scenes of all time it would be almost impossible. For one, just coming up with 50 great bikini scenes from movies or TV would be ridiculously difficult. I know that I certainly don’t have a memory like that.

Second, even if I were somehow able to come up with a list of 50 great bikini scenes I highly doubt that I could definitively say that they are the 50 greatest of all time. There’s just no way I wouldn’t miss a bunch of them.

However, there is one man I trust when he boldly states that he has ranked the 50 greatest bikini scenes of all time, because it’s pretty much all that he does, and that is Mr. Skin. If anyone has the database, memory and stats to back up such a claim he would probably be the most qualified person in the world to do so.

I mean, if Mr. Skin doesn’t know, who would, right?

Here’s what he came up with so get ready to take some notes…

1) Jessica Alba (Into the Blue)

Mr. Skin

2) Kate Upton (The Other Woman)

Mr. Skin

3) Selena Gomez + Vanessa Hudgens + Ashley Benson (Spring Breakers)

Mr. Skin

4) Kelly Brook (Survival Island)

Mr. Skin

5) Phoebe Cates (Fast Times At Ridgemont High)

Mr. Skin

6) Gal Gadot (Fast Five)

Mr. Skin

7) Jessica Biel (Summer Catch)

Mr. Skin

8) Brooklyn Decker (Just Go With It)

Mr. Skin

And the rest of the Top 50…

9) Salma Hayek (From Dusk Till Dawn)
10) Ursula Andress (Dr. No)
12) Denise Richards (Wild Things)
13) Blake Lively (The Shallows)
14) Demi Moore (Blame It on Rio)
15) Keri Russell (Eight Days A Week)
16) Jennifer Lawrence (Esquire Photo Shoot)
17) Kate Bosworth (Blue Crush)
18) Ashley Greene (Staten Island Summer)
19) Kelly Brook + Riley Steele (Piranha 3d)
20) Olivia Wilde (Drinking Buddies)
21) Elizabeth Hurley (The Weight of Water)
22) Emily Ratajkowski (Sports Illustrated)
23) Angelina Jolie (Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life)
24) Carrie Fisher (Return of the Jedi)
25) Charlize Theron (Reindeer Games)
26) Amber Heard (The Stepfather)
27) Amy Adams (Psycho Beach Party)
28) Jessica Simpson (The Dukes of Hazzard)
29) Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)
30) Lili Simmons (Banshee)
31) Jennifer Connelly (The Hot Spot)
32) Chloe Grace Moretz (Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising)
33) Anna Kendrick + Aubrey Plaza (Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates)
34) Cameron Diaz + Demi Moore (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle)
35) Charlotte McKinney (Tosh.0)
36) Alyssa Milano + Reese Witherspoon (Fear)
37) Olivia Munn (Magic Mike)
38) Nathalie Emmanuel (Furious 7)
39) Eva Mendes (2 Fast 2 Furious)
40) Eliza Dushku (The New Guy)
41) Bo Derek (Tommy Boy)
42) Natalie Portman (Your Highness)
43) Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
44) Jennifer Love Hewitt (I Still Know What You Did Last Summer)
45) Yvonne Strahovski (Chuck)
46) Emmanuelle Chriqui (Elektra Luxx)
47) Margot Robbie (About Time)
48) Kate Hudson (Fool’s Gold)
49) Evan Rachel Wood (The Life Before Her Eyes)
50) Jessica Paré (Mad Men)

[Mr. Skin]

Remember how after this year’s NBA Draft I said I was surprised after seeing what Mallory Edens, daughter of the Milwaukee Bucks owner, wore to the event that Chandler Parsons wasn’t somehow playing for the Bucks? Yeah, well, as I figured, Parsons is very well aware of Mallory Edens’ existence and he proved it over the weekend.

You see, despite the fact that Parsons is reportedly kind of, sort of seeing UFC Octagon Girl Arianny Celeste, Chandler’s gonna Chandler, which is why when Edens shared some swimsuit pics on her Instagram, including the one below, there was Parsons right there, as noticed by the eagle-eyed Busted Coverage, with a quick “Like.”

Considering this list of women Parsons has hung out with and/or dated over just the past 12 months or so, is it really any wonder?

Toni Garrn. Hailey Baldwin. Felicia Sanders. Paige Spiranac. Kate Beckinsale. Kendall Jenner. Bella Thorne. Savannah Chrisley. Jen Selter. Erin Foster. Abigail Ratchford. Arianny Celeste.

Mallory Edens, Instagram

Of course Parsons “liked” that photo. Dude gives zero fucks.

Here are some more swimsuit pics and videos Mallory has shared of late, because, well, it’s what she does…

Oh, also, Mallory’s sister Madison Edens? As before, she too is still spending a whole lot of her time in a swimsuit. Just thought you should know.

Via Amber Rose Instagram

Amber Rose was endowed with enormous gifts. In the past, Amber has said that she has God-given 36H natural breasts. But with great funbags comes great back pain. Amber posted a photo of her gorgeous figure on Instagram and asked her followers for advice as whether or not she should get breast reduction surgery because he “boobs are stupid heavy” which causes her back to hurt.

“I’m thinking about getting a breast reduction this year my boobs are stupid heavy, my back hurts and I can’t wear cute lil shirts without a grandma bra. I’m really scared of the lollipop scars tho…. any advice? Are there any ladies out there that are much happier even though you have breast reduction scars? And no I don’t have implants so they can’t just cut around the nipples tell me about ur experiences – muva”

If she opted to not get surgery, there is without a doubt, a neverending line of men who would gladly hold Amber’s gedoinkers for her. The bigger question is why the 33-year-old model would ever ask the internet for advice, especially on social media? Comment sections are a cesspool of trolls, neckbeards, scum, and villainy. The comments left on a model’s Instagram post are not exactly a wealth of knowledge or wisdom and certainly not the modern-day reincarnation of the Library of Alexandria. The comment section is the internet’s toilet for everyone to shit out their misinformed opinions and vomit noxious nonsense. But since this is the internet and everyone is going to give their opinion anyway, I’ll let Jonah Hill from “Superbad” field this query.

[ET]

I was scrolling through my Twitter feed yesterday and I saw a headline from the New York Post that read ‘Boobs Are Back In A Big Way.’ I legit had to double take because I thought I was reading an Onion headline, but alas, an actual real news outlet broke the story. Boobs are back. And it’s on us for letting them go to begin with. Shame on me for consistently typing big boobs knees into the PornHub search bar. Nothing relieves stress after a long day like a little knee porn.

Warning: NSFW

You see the range on those things? If you need a little time alone, I excuse you.

But these boobs things, which I believe are located about two feet above a women’s knee are what all the kids are talking about. I guess they’re just blobs of specialized fatty tissue that produce milk? Umm sorry New York Post, I’m lactose intolerant.

I’m no doctor, but you may want to get those things checked out.

But, what do I know, lets take a look at what the kids are saying about The Post article on the Twitters.

I guess boobs are back? Ugh.

Twitter

Neglect. Physical and emotional distance. Ex text while drunk. There are a number of reasons people cheat on their partners, but very few are as heroic as cheating to save mankind. That’s the tall tale the ex-boyfriend of Bella (pictured above) tried to swindle to weasel his way back into her good graces after getting a blowie from a persistent lady. His reasoning may sound outlandish, but if O.J. can get away with murder, this guy has a shot at convincing his girl that he cheated for science.

Bella posted her ex’s defense to Twitter, and it has since amassed over 200,000 likes and 82,000 retweets. I take it she wasn’t buying it.

Twitter

Twitter

Nice try bro. No swings, no hits. Unfortunately, today wasn’t your day.

[h/t Some eCards]

Despite the fact that he appears to be flexing a little bit as well as lying on his back, JFF Johnny Manziel appears to still be sporting a little bit of that sweet dad bod we saw awhile back when he was, you guessed it, on vacation with his fiancee Bre Tiesi, at a topless beach in Mexico. (Dude’s whole life is a vacation.)

Apparently catching some rays on the beach in various tropical locales is all just a part of Manziel’s master NFL comeback strategy. (He does it quite often.) Shouldn’t he be getting ready to go back to school soon? Eh, I am sure he’s got it covered.

The last time Manziel posted on social media (he quit Twitter) was way back on May 24th when he was getting in some much-needed work with his BFF OBJ and some bearded guy. (No wonder some NFL teams have supposedly expressed interest in him.)

His fiancee, Bre Tiesi, unlike JFF, has been under no sort of social media embargo as evidenced by the litany of bikini pics she’s been sharing the past several weeks. Since Money Manziel hasn’t been posting anything, let’s have a quick looksee at what she’s been posting lately, shall we?

Emily Ratajkowski, Instagram

After doing the impossible and making a Robin Thicke production watchable back in 2013 with the Blurred Lines video, the 26-year-old Emily Ratajkowski has solidified herself on the Mount Rushmore of models next to Nina Agdal, Irina Shayk, and Bar Refeali in my correct opinion.

EmRata is so consistently attractively that we sometimes gloss over her beauty. I will not let that happen. Not on my watch. Check out her latest scud missile posts and try not to get aroused. Good luck.

GOD.

DAMN.

THIS.

GUY.

Ariel Winter. What is there left for me to say about her that we haven’t already said? She’s funny. She’s smart. She’s cool. She’s a good actress. She takes no shit. She’s very photogenic.

I guess we will focus on that last one here today since Winter had someone, I assume it was a friend, it could have just been a photographer, or both, take some new pictures of her hanging out at night by a pool in a very flattering bikini. No, that picture above is not one of them. That’s from this photo shoot. I am talking about the pictures below.

Winter captioned the first picture “Before & After” because, well, it will become crystal clear once you see all of the pics…

Told you the pictures turned out very well, didn’t I? Perhaps her friend is a professional photographer. Here’s even more proof that, as I also said previously, Ariel Winter is very photogenic (as if you didn’t already know that)…

Ah, yes. The most fun conversation you can ever have with someone you are dating: talking about the best, most mind-blowing sex you ever had with an ex. Nothing about this topic of conversation is uncomfortable, nor is it ever likely to induce a fight between two people that are dating. This is actually a topic I like to bring up on first dates. If you throw this out there from night one and set the tone that ‘here’s how high the bar has been set, we’re going to need to beat that’ then the only place to go is up, right?

How’s the girl you’re dating supposed to know that you’ve climbed the Mt. Everest of Sex unless you throw it out there. There’s no such thing as a ‘mind reader’ in real life. If you’re looking to capture lightning in a bottle twice and have the best sex of your life, you need to let your partner know what needs to be done.

Fergie has apparently at some point along the way become one of those people like Salma Hayek, Elizabeth Hurley, Christie Brinkley and Jennifer Lopez who are now either aging in reverse or just flat-out stopped aging around the time they turned 30-years-old. I don’t know what kind of Hollywood, Illuminati anti-aging rituals these folks are using to go all Benjamin Button, but if they’d just let us regular folk in on it they could probably make a freaking fortune.

Then again, the fact that all of those people I mentioned above already have a fortune is probably why they are able to utilize whatever this magical reverse-aging process is that they’ve all been following. (Cue all the plastic surgery comments in 3…2…1…)

Back in January of this year, I was astounded by what amazing shape Fergie was in at age 41 (she’s 42 now) when I saw her rocking a bikini on the beach.

Fast forward seven months or so and, yup, I’m still astounded. (Seriously though, can you celebs just share some of whatever it is you’re doing? Unless it’s like, exercising a lot and really hard. If that’s the case, eh, that sounds like way too much time and effort.)

Twitter/Shutterstock

How about this for a depressing stat: 11 million Americans spend half their income on rent. Forget about long-term financial goals, many people are just hoping to keep their head above water. Imagine if there was a way one could bypass rental payments. How wonderful. Well, what if I told you you could. As long as you licked your landlords feet like an ice cream cone in mid-August.

That’s the proposition Erin Clark was presented with. Clark, a 19-year-old from Edinburgh, Scotland was searching for an apartment in Paris when was told by her landlord named Franciso she could have a place if she met certain “terms.”

To churn up the creep-o-meter even more, Franciso sent images of his chastity belt and promised her she could have the key. Check out the viral exchange below.

Twitter

*Looks at bank account*

*Sees Available Balance of $29.82*

via GIPHY

[h/t NY Post]