A couple years back I hooked up with Emily Ratajkowski. No, no I did not. But A GUY I KNOW. Him and her GOT. IT. ON. …Nope. No they didn’t. But you can imagine what it would be like if they did. I honestly just wanted to see what it would feel like typing that first sentence. I still feel cold and alone. I’m legitimately surprised grammar check didn’t underline that whole first sentence like ‘No, this is wrong. Impossible. You’re a nobody.’ Thanks grammar check, for believing I can bag one of the hottest women on the planet. Your support is what fuels me.
Unfortunately, in this lifetime, the closest I’ll get to courting Emily Ratajkowski is creeping on her Instagram like I’m looking for murder clues. I’m okay with that, kinda. Honestly, I’m pissed at God for not making me richer, better looking, and not granting me the ability to look good in a fedora. Those are likely EmRata’s necessities in a relationship. Oh well, Tinder it is.
Check out these 20 scintillating pictures of Ratajkowski in her swimming attire, because you owe it to yourself. No, fuck that. You owe it to me.
